People and gentlemen, i have achieved the termination of an age. Believe back with me to an occasion in the faraway early in the day, long ago you initially read one 4-letter phrase one changed lifetime forever: MILF. Many toddlers turned preoccupied along side term, utilizing it to spell it out virtually every mom they met upcoming point. But given 
What sort of future are we waiting for if all the your prepubescent men bypass bragging in the taking cougar’d?
A couple cougars in the great outdoors, merging in making use of their surroundings, would love to pounce with the an unsuspecting men cub. Cougars are almost everywhere for people who lookup difficult enough. These are generally at the fitness center wearing excess makeup and you can a lack of clothing while they walk on brand new close-stationary fitness treadmill. They’ve been on bar towards college or university evening, bending up against the club trying catch the interest off one to son to the tribal tattoos. They might be in the shopping center, being employed as cosmeticians (ironic because they constantly seem like they got blasted on deal with with Homer’s makeup shotgun). These include even yet in activities! You know an informed basketball pro globally, LeBron James? Yeah, really his mommy is a good cougar, and this she turned out by the asleep together with her son’s teammate Delonte Western. Whenever we can not trust the wholesomeness in our athlete’s moms and dads, who’ll we believe?
It is only a question of go out in advance of old people make use in our boyhood fantasies and you will corrupt us in many ways I am unable to describe. Just what occurred towards the wholesome MILFs that everyone loved? It’s a proper-known proven fact that 82% out of guys features at the one point within their lives labeled by themselves as the “Brand new MILF Hunter,” however, this will don’t function as circumstances to have generations to come. Brand new millennial male should be articles becoming “cougar lure” or some other mixture of pet/eating terminology. One, women and you will gentlemen, is not a world We care to reside.
To prevent so it condition, we just must encourage cougars to help you marry hipsters
The trouble with cougars would be the fact men constantly say it wishes to try out you to definitely, nevertheless when it strat to get seduced they think, “Holy crap this might be strange, was neck facial skin designed to hang that reasonable??” as well as their after-commendable trip starts to look more such as for instance a suicide objective. Every night with several bros during the an enthusiastic “older” bar to generally meet certain cougars usually undoubtedly start by images and hand pumps, but will likely end which have people investing afraid glances as nearest and dearest make an effort to pry friends away from bags regarding slutty Betty Whites.
To date you’re probably caught for the a panic, shouting at the display screen to have suggestions about how to handle it, very without a doubt so it: there isn’t any pledge. With divorce case rates ascending and you can dated people taking into Facebook, it is simply a matter of go out just before elderly lady prefer to benefit from our boyhood dreams and corrupt us in many ways I can’t define. The only promise was stop trying: like normal cougars, these types of lady cannot go after victim when it “takes on dead,” so as in the near future since you pick a drunken buzzard handling you off across the club, phony a convulsion-which will pick your at the very least 10 minutes.
New mecha-lion attire in the showy colors so you’re able to scare regarding competitors and makes the woman poison openly. The merely guarantee is because they don’t progress next, otherwise we shall provides 80-year-old girls with bedazzled colostomy bags strolling doing all of us at new club asking united states if there is previously started which have individuals…more mature. So long as these types of very-cougars (or mecha-lions, while i refer to them as) you should never facial skin, you should be great. It’s an organic relationships most: the latest cougar will be happy to pick people more youthful exactly who could use the more income, and also the hipster would entirely look this new irony.
